To begin with, I didn’t even know you existed. By beginning I meant the time I saw him, I started to keep an eye on him, times I wished to talk to him, times I was thinking of him day and night, times when we first spoke, some sleepless nights, brimming with hope.
He wanted to see me alone, I definitely obliged only to find myself suddenly shattered, when I got to know about you. He confessed he was in love with you, but he was hiding me from you. I didn’t show how disappointed I was, I told him we can be friends but he must let you know.
My conscience was clear, till the day he held my hand and didn’t let me go.
We made love for me, for him we made out.
Believe me, that moment, he was mine, I can’t tell if that was just physical but when he passed out on my lap, sleeping like a child, holding my finger, I couldn’t say if that was only lust. If it was, it would have been a zipped up goodbye.
I was broken, I was scarred. I was carrying around marks, some on my body and some on my mind. I was guilty, I was ashamed, I fell and failed, I apologised silently to you and later told your man to go away from me.
He chose you, he will choose you but he wants an anchor in me. I don’t question your bond, your love, the duties you must have done towards him, love you must have showered. For you, it must be a picture of beauty and harmony, a relation so pure of lovers but for me, I am that hidden worm, a silent termite clinging beneath your perfect picture.
This is not an apology, for me loving a man was not wrong, but knowing that you existed yet letting him in was. His take on this? Only he can explain. If you ever feel, he is silent or maybe looks a little lost when he is with you, he might be thinking of me. I can’t vouch for this but yet can say he searches some of me in you.
I have become his habit which he can choose to keep or quit but you are a part of his life. For me ,you are a ghost that haunts. An unseen, unheard, untouched entity that scares me.
For now, I can cut a sorry for caring for a man and loving someone with entire honesty who was not mine but yours. Of course, he will choose you and I will move away, no matter how painful it will be. I am a woman of more rock than water but I just want you to know that maybe your picture ain’t that perfect. Maybe he needs more love, or more conversations. Maybe it’s just me or someday someone else but your picture has got a blot.
I apologise for making that mark so clear. Someday you might realise or you may remain oblivious that the man you sleep with in peace sleeps with someone else in peace. He desires not you but me as well.
We might never cross path, or meet. All I can spare for now is some good luck and half hearted wishes for that man of yours who was someday half mine.