They were talking about letters the other day. In a damp summer evening when the monsoon clouds has just started flying past and the rains have started drizzling somberly, touching the sweat dripping bodies, we were all sitting in the messed up room of cramped tables and tangled LAN cables. Two ceiling fans, were merciful enough to fan the crowd of eight people, passionately discussing abstract topics of literature. The suddenness of this particular topic “letters – lost and found ” caught me unawares, as I tried to search and sort the bubbles of a distant past.
This conundrum has pursued me still, until I had to sit myself down and ponder about the nothingness in me. An unseen pall has under its sheath have hidden the soft crust of my soul. I have forgotten, unknowingly and to my utter disgust, the time, when love for me was not just a four letter word.
Time in its turns, twists mind, body and soul but I never knew, it can create a new entity so perfectly, that it is almost a infinite time-space lag between the two states of mind. I was a pretty gullible girl, innocent and almost nice to the extent when it was too good to be true for people. I was, thinking a thousand times more about people than me and in the process being their friend, philosopher and guide. Flummoxed I was, on a dampening day or maybe on a frozen winter night when I was made to realize, the world is not a very kind place to live in. I was too vulnerable, almost on the verge where you wait for a miracle to sweep you off and place you on a mantel of peace. Those times, I was a foolish lover, a very stupid lover, I wrote letters. Some on papers others in on mails. The papers, I don’t find any but I had the mails.
They don’t belong to me now. I felt maybe I should give them away, not throw them because I value my emotions. So I am giving them away, maybe someone will find answers in them and some may not even get the weirdness but I will still give them away like I clean my cherished shelf of my cupboard. The name I won’t disclose, as I don’t wish to hurt the new love, the boy might have found but yes I will still give them away, the stupid letters, this stupid soul once wrote :
” Love Kumro,
Its been a long time I mailed you something. All these days wheneva I did it meant work and nothing else, but today its a letter that I would like to drop in your mail. Afta all these incidents that almost changed our lives, I feel the chemistry we shared has got a bit tangled, and believe me I so wish I get my crazy lover-boy back for me. As I scribble these words I am waiting for one of your texts to arrive, checking the phone every minute. Yes, I do have a loads of other stuff to do, but just the fact that your text has not arrived nuances the shit outta me, making me impatient.
You have duties even I do, but between all these I wait for you, very patiently, as you said you need time for yourself and for us. You know what, ‘us’ means a lot to me, and I truly hope it means a lot to you too.
I am with you not just to be there, but spend my life with you, to take a hell lot of care for you and in return remain your small lil gal forever who endlessly craves for your attention. 🙂
Lots and lots of love,
P.S- Your reply had not yet arrived. 😦 “
..and the other one too which bears the ugly truth of how knowing that you are unwanted still trying to make the other one feel loved. How after getting treated like scum, a soul in love tries to see a ray of hope and how it fails and still tries to put the pieces together and tries to laugh its pains off.
Just wanted to talk to you, and knowing that I do not deserve the opportunity, I took to mailing you a letter. No, if your head starts to boil thinking yet again I have started a nyaka love-letter kinda stuff, its not true. Its just, as I said, I wanted to talk to you. Yet another thing, you must be thinking why the hell is dis girl not sleeping, why is she hell-bent on eating my head up.. but.. I would say, I will anyday have a good sleep after I speak my heart out to you, even if you sleep it off 🙂
Expectations are a huge burden, as you always correctly say that I, rather we should be so independent that we need not require to interrupt our respective lives, for needs that can be handled alone maturely. You, think with a very strong stance, but a questioning learner that I have always been, I take time to learn the stuff you ‘expect’ outta me. As I believe, I will learn your craft so perfectly that you will wonder if your creation was so perfect! But as of now, when your head boils with the fact,” how does it matter if this girl really understands any damn thing, if she is ever done with her childishness, if she can ever live without eating my head, if she can… phew! hopeless girl” 😦
And pathetically this girl will keep on trying until she wins your heart over with all she have 🙂 How she wishes that she becomes a gift from a “side-effect of a wrong decision”, a matter of pride in your life and a source of constant happiness…
As I wrote this mail, I listened to Dave Matthews Band, Satellite, as you wanted me to hear, and I have just discovered I can strangely have my own meaning for you, from this song, the lines in italics are my interpretation;
(Faith, a belief that’s hypothetical, like the twinkle of the stars, whose minimal shine seems like a sparkling diamond to someone who dreams of it, for me its your heart.)
How I wonder.
Satellite strung from the moon
And the world your balloon
(I wonder if the dreams cherished will ever come true, how i live with the hope it will come as a surprise to me, suddenly, as sudden as the awaited satellite emerging from the moon, as for so long we only searched for it among the stars and how I only wish my world is covered by you,like a whole beautiful world inside a balloon 🙂 )
Peeping tom for the mother station
Winter’s cold spring erases
And the calm away by the storm is chasing
Everything good needs replacing
Look up, look down all around, hey satellite
( I am like the peeping Tom, who eagerly searches for the right chord in your heart, which she will strum and that will touch your heart, that chord is the ‘mother station’ that can change your indifference to care for me. The indifference you have is as cold as the winter that will soon be erased by a soothing spring, only it’s storm can blow away the chilled veil on your love. As they say every good needs to be replaced, so that you can make place for better, and just look up, look down, all around and you will find your better half, and I so badly hope it’s me. Hey satellite)
Satellite, headlines read
Someone’s secrets you’ve seen
Eyes and ears have been
Satellite dish in my yard
Tell me more, tell me more
Who’s the king of your satellite castle?
(As you try to hide your feelings beneath anger, I will always know the secret, my eyes and ears are all open, the courtyard of my heart is always on the receiving end, and this is why it is ever questioning, eager to learn, understand and act accordingly, this is why the thirst of hearing from you never quenches and pushes me to the end, as you say the extreme, the feeling which you say is for loser’s, i.e “love” (silly me! 🙂 ) and it keeps on asking for more so silently that it doesn’t reach your ears, and keep your anger at bay. But the question that will come up everyday before I die,” Tell me, who’s the queen of your satellite castle?”
Thanking you for this beautiful song that helped me speak to you (and hoping I did’nt piss you off),
P.S- All my apologies to THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND for interpreting their words in whatever way I wanted. “
This is how it was and the strange part is I kept every word I promised here, I found solace in work so that I was not a burden on the other soul and apparently that was the cause of our fall. So to all those, who had termed me ditch-er must know how honest ditch-er I am. Yes sometimes when none speaks nice, you should brag more than shy away.
That I finally gave these away, I feel I could reach out to some souls who are still stuck in the cobwebs of hopeless love, obsessed and being a puppet to someone else’s whims. I certainly don’t want to inspire them but atleast tell them that they are not the only one.
That my heart is numbed by the nothingness and loneliness has lost its gravity somewhere in this spaced out new-found world does not stop me from living life to the fullest. That you left somewhere, that you are lonely, that you are misguided, that you are lost should not pin you down because you still have people to reach out to who might be lonely and needing just one word or a humane touch.