THE VARANASI DIARIES – DAY 3

28-12-2012

8:55 p.m

Reporting with plates and blankets

To begin with, I have spent my whole day sitting at home, wearing a cozy sweater ,that belongs to my uncle. (Lately, I have suddenly got a liking for men’s clothing, that are over-sized 😛 )
The reason I was home is I was not feeling OKAY! 😛 Another day where I excuse myself from the prying eyes.
Well after I left my bed (receiving innumerable kicks from my brother) at around the noon, I wake up to see his friend sitting and going through MY Facebook account. Well, it pissed me off (a bit).
Anyways, after a bit of chaos, I settled down with my aunt, for a chatter and I was discussing life with her and just for the feel of it, I understood how the definition of it changes over the time. I never really “sit and talk” with my parents because they are very busy with their lives, meeting the demands of I don’t understand what but here this family is different. They eat,drink and sleep together,pray together in the morning, fight and again make up,just to sit together after dinner to discuss good old days,the needs and survival of a middle class family,music,books and maybe something else. I find this beautiful.Here I want to stay home, though it’s not my family but back there, at my place, I think of ten different things to stay out of my home. They say “Home is where the heart is” and staying with this family I realize I have long lost the piece of heart I had for my home. The creaks are invisible but I can clearly see the fragments. I forgot the day I called dad or he called me,just to ask each other how are we doing, no,wait, I remember, it’s the day I was boarding the train to Varanasi. My mom calls for split seconds, twice or thrice maximum just to assure if I had my medicines or not, I forget at times but I lie blatantly on her face without feeling guilty and that I don’t feel guilty telling that lie makes me feel guilty. Down below, somewhere, I am still the child who was pampered badly by her dad, who used to run behind her mother, naked feet, just to stop her from going to work, who was always jumping around the house just when her relatives declared their arrival and who loved to go out with her parents, for a snack maybe. For my mother, who deeply believes, I have changed now, loving them less, I have no answers because what she doesn’t know is, they, themselves have moved very far away from me, just to hear me speak.
Well, yeah, I know that all these are not very interesting but since this is a diary I can make it dull, at times, more close to what it is in real life.
Growing up, encountering people, so many of them, gaining there love, losing it, losing those people on my way, meeting new ones, regaining old ones, I have ended up becoming numb, the pains hurt less, happiness comes anytime I make them, expectations are low and from the people I expect, they say they tried but failed without realization. All of this happens, the people I bring close, FAILS to meet up my expectations, maybe they are very high but I still feel they can be fulfilled, with a bit of try. I wait, patiently, for these people to understand me, if they don’t I will again turn a blind eye. For now I am still patiently waiting.

Again, that people are here, cooking up a chat, I don’t think I should keep typing infront of their faces. Lets end it here for now, the dull day and see what tommorow brings.

Good night!

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