As I sit in my room, trying to sort my work, managing crazy schedules and even more crazier people and their idiosyncrasies, a stark realization dawns on me, almost suddenly and without any reason.
It has been days I simply laughed out loud, I just blab-erred without caring about the world and I really don’t remember a special day spent with that special someone. No, I am not exactly ranting about these but I am surprised by the fact that how have I evolved into a creature who was almost emotionally numb for so long that at this juncture all the happy memories seems so distant that even, to think of them I need a time travel of sorts.
They say that every dark cloud has a silver lining, and I pathetically try to believe that even when I see that people whom I trusted with my heart, with my emotions and people whom I considered “close” were nothing but veils of a rude human that lay engraved beneath the pretentious face. So, alone, pressed with duties, having no soul to turn to me, I just tried to cling on to a certain leftover of whatever good things was left in me or better, with me.
I fondly remember my granny who, despite working for the huge family all day, tirelessly, never received any special recognition from those who meant a lot to her. This little girl in me loved her for her understanding nature, she almost managed to accept anything with a subtle smile on her face, forgiving, kind, understanding, merciful she was an epitome of how beautiful can a human soul be. As a small girl I was very restless and the last thing on my mind was sleep. I would search for every possible excuse to postpone a nap. Granny, would come to me in the afternoon, after I returned from school, and was done with my lunch, she would just sit by me, and tell,what she did when I was not at home, and how the neighbors made a mess out of the water that overflowed from our tank and ran into their courtyard, how the maid never washed the clothes properly,forgetting every-time to soak the white clothes in some indigo water and these would never end. I felt quite nuanced by these monotonous updates but these somehow successfully transferred me to a sublime passive state from my usual hyper-active one.
Today, I understand the reason, because I am at par with the situation once granny faced. We both never had a real soul to talk to, rather we could never speak our heart out as no one was there just to listen to us, the silliest of stuff that mattered the least to the world but most to someone, we never really had that someone. So, we found our own ways of expressing. She found peace in talking to a 10 year kid who had least possible wisdom and so she could just say anything without any counter arguments and today I find solace typing away on my laptop, which is a mute spectator to my ardor fatuity.
Emotions, a foreground to every situation, had always played a huge part in my life and when tired, hurt, lost I asked a friend if being emotional was wrong or not, pat came the reply that it was not, it is a virtue that only a few people possess. Astounding! Then why these people end up into a deep tunnel where not even a ray of light enters? Why are they pushed rather almost kicked out, cornered for how they are? Are they a bit more benevolent than real? The questions have no answers but one, because these people, they do not fit the accepted category of mankind, they are mentally too fragile to accept the sheer brutality of this pretentious world.
Well when there seems no hope, we just aim a gun on all these worldly matters and that is something I am not trying to do here, but again we can’t say everything is fine when nothing is. Here comes the rude part, that you can never stop wearing a fake smile, if you do, you will be mercilessly thrashed.
As, I turn my gaze back at the papers lying scaterred around me, screaming for concentration,slowly I look away, almost falling deaf to mom’s scolds that seem to have no reason,I run my hand down through my book-shelf, fingers relentlessly searching for a file,deep down in my heart waiting for my special one to realize that I do crave for some care, I flip the file, and there lies the photograph, of me and granny, sitting on the old cement bench of our garden, there is sunshine,a somber breeze ruffling my hair that she is fondly caressing, we both are smiling, content in each other’s company, the vista is serene, the worldly pain has just started feeling so numb.
I kept looking, hoping that all the things that went awry will again fall in place, hoping one day I will be happy enough to cry out in joy, in unison with my loved one and maybe a tear drop rolled down my cheeks as I silently looked at the field where the Sun shines so bright that all the darkness is erased, where there is a clear blue sky of hopes, where life is a synonym of peace, where the Sun just shines….
** DEDICATED TO MY GRANDMA, FONDLY “thamma” WHOM I LOST ONE FATEFUL EVENING, IF SHE IS LISTENING “Thamma, I now understand how much I loved you and I miss our world of peace”**